When Alfred is Away
by Supermonkey2247
Summary: What will happen when Alfred has a family emergency is England? Bruce and Dick had to find food one way or another, so why can't they mess with people while they are at it? Told from Dick's P.O.V. If you like sadistic humor, then you came to the right place. This story includes the Team too, just not as much. Beta read by WhenUniversesCollide.
1. Chapter 1

Thank you so much for beta reading this WhenUniversesCollide! Whenever I get the files back, I feel like I just want to toss my verson into the fire. The quality differential is that big. I really shouldn't be posting stories after 1 am, BUT I am sleep deprived so this all makes sense to me. Ah, what is next? Oh yes, the disclaimer is next! Why do I have to do a disclaimer anyways? The world may never know.

Disclaimer: I don't own DC, obviously.

* * *

 **Dick's P.O.V.**

It is Friday morning, Bruce and I are eating breakfast when we hear the phone ringing. Alfred, being the amazing butler that he is, goes to pick up the phone. He answers the phone and addresses the caller by saying, "Wayne Manor, Alfred Pennyworth speaking."

"Hello Mr Pennyworth, this is Princess Royal University Hospital. Jane Pennyworth, your aunt, has been admitted to the hospital. We are not sure how much longer that she will live, so we recommend that you visit as soon as possible if you want to see her one more time."

Alfred is speechless for a moment before he composes himself and replies, "Thank you for calling and have a good day."

What could possibly leave Alfred speechless?

Alfred turned to Bruce and said, "Would it be acceptable for me to take a few of my vacation days, Master Bruce?"

To say that I was confused would be an understatement. Who the heck could call that would make Alfie ask to use some of his vacation days? It's times like this when I wish that we would buy phones for the Manor that actually have caller ID. I was about to voice my confusion when Bruce, who must have seen the look on my face, spoke up.

"Of course you can Alfred! In fact, take the jet if you need it."

Now I was more confused. Did Bruce know what was going on? Probably not, Bruce would have told Alfred about what was going on if it were important, and Alfred asking for a few days off obviously made it so.

Apparently we were taking a no-questions-asked approach to the situation. Alfred replied to Bruce with a nod, "Thank you, good sir, I will be leaving after dinner tonight. Please do stay out of trouble during your nightly activities."

I felt like I should be able to say something, so I did, obviously. "Us? Trouble? Who do you think we are? Batman and Robin?!" I have a feeling that the others in the room didn't think that my joke was funny given the expressions on their faces. It's such a shame; I thought my comment was amazing. Maybe Wally would appreciate my joke more. I'll have to make a note to tell him about it. After my comment, we finished breakfast in awkward silence.

* * *

After spending all day at school, I came home for supper. We were all gathered in the dining hall when I realised that this would be the last meal cooked by Alfred for a little while. After a moment of wondering, I couldn't help but voice my concerns. "Bruce, what are we going do for meals while Alfred is gone?"

"Well, neither of us are that good at cooking so I was thinking that we could just do delivery."

"Delivery is feasible." What even was the root of that word? I was going to make a comment about what would happen if you were to remove the prefix, but now that I am thinking about it, I am not sure there is a prefix to remove. I really should look that up at some point.

That answered one question, but I am still not sure why Alfred is leaving in the first place. Bruce must have read my mind because he said, "One of Alfred's aunts from England had a heart attack, and the doctors are not positive if she will make it or not. That is why he has to leave on such short notice." There we go. That answers my two main questions. Now I just have to look up whether or not feasible has a prefix.

"Master Dick, I surely hope that you know that just because I am leaving temporally leaving doesn't mean that you can use your phone at the dinner table"

"Yes, Alfred," I sighed, tucking the device away before cocking my head. "Alfred?"

"Yes?"

"Does feasible have a prefix?"

* * *

 _At the airport_

What do you say to a person like Alfred in a situation like this? "I hope that your aunt doesn't die." No matter how sincere that may be, it still sounds insensitive. As I am scrambling for words, Bruce puts a hand on Alfred's shoulder, looks him in the eye, and nods. This is one of those rare times that I wish I wasn't so reliant on words for communication.

I finally managed to scramble some words together in a last goodbye. "I hope all goes well while you are in London."

Alfred nodded appreciatively, always understanding, before turning and going through security with a tear in his eye.

* * *

 _Saturday Morning_

Ah morning, the routine begins again. Oh wait! That's right; Alfred isn't here. I quickly get changed and put on some slippers. Huh, why are they called slippers? I always thought that they were to improve the wearer's grip while walking, not prove it. Speaking of which, if I had the time, I would prove to you why that word should really mean the opposite of improve. Why doesn't improve and disprove mean the same thing? Both of the prefixes are negatives. What is the point of all this? Oh yes, I was putting on my slippers so that I could ask Bruce what we are doing for breakfast.

I go out into to the hall to find him sitting on one of the couches at the bottom of the staircase. As I walk down the stairs, I call out: "What are we doing for breakfast, Bruce?"

"I don't know about you, chum, but I am in the mood for sadistic humour. Would you be opposed to eating at Mount Justice?"

I reply to him with a gasp and mock hurt, "I thought that you knew me better than that. I am always in the mood for sadistic humour. So, what are we waiting for?" I smirked.

On that note, we raced to the Zeta Beam, fully uniformed of course. We couldn't have Batman be at Mount Justice and not in his scary costume, could we?

We hid our bikes near the fake phone booth. Before I continue, yes Batman has a motorcycle too. Why would he not? We go through the Zeta Beam, and the computer calls out our designation.

As it turns out, Megan is the only one at the mountain and awake. She was cooking breakfast when she heard us come in. I would like to point out that the only reason that she was able to hear us come in is because we wanted her to.

"Hello Batman, Robin, would you like some breakfast?" she asked sweetly, glancing at Batman the whole time.

"Yes," My mentor replied gruffly. I felt the need to throw out a quick "Please" to the end of his reply.

"Is it ok if we have pancakes?" asked Miss M as she gets out more eggs.

"Yes, we are going to have training all morning and end with lunch. Will you be ok cooking for everyone?"

"Of course, Mr Batman, sir."

I could tell that Bruce was enjoying this. Probably enjoying it too much. This also answered the question of what we are going to do for lunch.

Kaldur walked into the kitchen and was startled when he saw me and Batman standing there. He cleared his throat and said, "Good morning sir, is there going to a mission today?"

"No, Kaldur there will be not; however, we are going to be having training this morning so have a light breakfast and gather the others. Because of the short notice, Black Canary is unavailable for training so I will be in charge today."

Kaldur nodded then looked me in the eye. "Do you want to contact Wally, or should I?"

"I'll text him." As Kaldur leaves the room to get Conner, I do as I said and send Wally this message: "Hey Wally, you have to come to the mountain for a pop quiz delivered by Batman himself ;)"

After a few seconds, he replied: "Ah man, here I was thinking that I could have a Sunday when I didn't freak out at some point"

His reply brought a smirk to my face. Bruce noticed my happiness and sent me a questioning glance. I just show him my phone's screen and Wally's reply brings a barely noticeable smirk to his. Of course, nobody notices our exchange because we are Bats. If you get rid of the 'ex' in 'exchange' you just get 'change' but that already means something. What is it with these words? This is ridiculous; it doesn't even make any sense.

* * *

 _After Training_

Training was fun. Bruce even let me show off my regimen, so I got to enjoy the look on the Team's faces when they saw what I do every day.

Now we are having the lunch that Bruce mentioned earlier, and he is sitting at the table fully decked out in his Batman gear. It is truly a sight to behold, and I am the only person acting nonchalant about it. This must have been what Bruce meant when he said that he was in the mood for sadistic humour. Well, I can't say that I am not enjoying everyone else acting awkwardly when trying not to. I'm trying not to smile. I really am, but it is just so hard not to.

This is just a situation where you have to be there to enjoy it. Well, for me to enjoy it more because you would be probably freaking out about eating lunch with Batman more than the team was.

We were eating in silence, the only noise is the clatter of our silverware as we eat our steak. I can't help but burst out laughing when Batman says in his gravelly voice, "Would one of you please pass the salt?"

I never knew that lunch could be this fun. Fun for me, at least. I don't think the others are having such a great time. I, for one, won't be passing the salt because I want to see who cracks first. As it turns out, it is Megan who did it. She passed the condiment with a quiet "Sure."

I continue the trend of "You crazy Bats!" by wearing my Robin suit. Everyone else is in their civvies, which just adds to the humour. As we finish up eating, Batman looks me in the eye and nods. That means that I can stay here this afternoon while he goes back to Gotham. Yay!

* * *

I pushed everything back by a day. I will explain why in the author's note in the next chapter.


	2. Chapter 2

**Here is the next chapter! Sorry I took so long, but life has been busy. I have a poll on my account regarding these notes, son if you want to, you can check it out.**

 **I pushed everything back by a day to allow for more chapters, and to add to the believability. Because of this, I made some minor changes to first chapter. It's nothing big, but it could get a little confusing if we are not all on the same page.**

 **Thanks to WhenUniversesCollide for beta reading this and for putting up with my weird formatting requests.**

 **I don't own DC.**

* * *

 **Dick's P.O.V.**

 _After Lunch_

When everyone is done eating, Batman and I ninja our way to the Zeta Beam. We put our plates and silverware into the kitchen sink first, of course. We do still have _some_ manners without Alfred around. I crackle at their faces when they realize that we have disappeared.

Right before we get to the Zeta Beam, Batman turns to me and says, "Be home by seventeen-hundred-hours."

I nod to him and turn around to find the others again. I walk back into the kitchen/living-room/dinning-room, and Wally is the first one to notice me.

He walks up to me, grabbing me by the arm to say, "We should, uhh, play video games- but in your room, not mine." He smiles weakly to the others, who are now staring at us both strangely. Artemis looks like she is about to say something, but Wally zooms the both of us out of the room, and by extension, the situation.

We stop in front of my room, and he puts me down so that I can unlock the door. I do so, seeming as I trust him with practically everything. After we both get in the room, I re-lock the door, which makes the room soundproof. Just because I trust Wally doesn't mean that I have to trust the others.

"I'm guessing that you didn't rush us here to just play video games. Although, to be fair, it wouldn't be too wildly out of character if you did."

"Ha ha, laugh it up. You are right about me dragging you here for more than just video games. I have a few questions. Like, why did Bruce call us all together for essentially pop training? Why did he stay for lunch, and in the Bat-suit nonetheless? Speaking of which, you can get out of that now." He nods towards my uniform.

"Then turn around, will ya?" I snap at him. He waddles around to face the door, and I continue: "To answer your questions, Alfred is out of town for at least the weekend."

"Has that ever happened before?"

"Not since I've been around… So, video games?"

* * *

 **Meanwhile at Wayne Manor…**

 _Bruce P.O.V._

I get off my Bat-Cycle after I park it in the Bat-Cave. I walk up to the Bat-Computer to see that Alfred sent a request for a Bat-Call. Don't look at me like that. I just named the car "Batmobile." It was Dick that went Bat-Crazy and Bat-ified everything.

I walked over to the computer to answer the call. "Hello Alfred, how is your aunt doing?"

" _She is doing well, sir. Her condition is not as critical as they thought it would be. She just got out of an operation a few hours ago, and they think that she will make it. I guess I left for nothing. I apologize for that, Master Bruce."_

He couldn't possibly think that he went to England for nothing, could he? I voice my objections to his apologizing, "Didn't you believe that it was important for you to go?"

 _"Yes, sir."_ He answers evenly.

"Then it was important for you to go. That is final."

 _"Very well, sir. I will be back for dinner tomorrow. Cheerio."_

He disconnects the call after that. What am I supposed to do for meals till then? Five years ago, I would've just made it by with whatever I found, but now I have Dick to consider. Wonderful, wonderful Dick shouldn't have to deal with eating whatever nonperishable food that I might find laying around the manor. No, we are going to have quality meals while Alfred is away, and I might as well have some fun while I'm at it. Maybe I can take a page out of Dick's book when it comes to trolling.

* * *

 **The Cave**

 _Dick's P.O.V._

Wally and I are still playing, and it is little after two pm when I get a text from Bruce that reads:

 _"The plan for supper tonight includes a fake Wayne Enterprises charity. Be home before five"_

What does that mean? I certainly don't know what it means, and I know that Bruce won't tell me what it means if I text him back. He likes his secrets.

Wally notices that I'd stopped playing to read the text and asks, "What's up?"

I reply, "Not sure. I guess I will have to wait and see."

"You know, I'm starting to get bored. Do you want to prank the team?" he wiggles his eyebrows deviously.

"Does that even have to be asked?" I smirk back.

Line Break

Mine and Wally's prank went great! The team just doesn't know it yet. I better head back to the Manor before they find out what we did.

As we finish up the preparations for our devious deed, I turn to Wally and say, "Well, I should be heading back now. I don't want Batman to be upset because I am late."

I disappear before he has a chance to protest.

When I get to the Zeta Beam, I see that Artemis is going home too. Good, At least I am not leaving Wally to deal with Artemis in addition to everyone else.

"Hey Artemis, are you already going home?"

"Yeah, my family called and said something about an important dinner."

I wait until she leaves before I Zeta to Gotham. I don't want her to find out that I know her closely guarded secret. It could work as wonderful blackmail material someday.

Once I am in Gotham, I look back and forth in the exit of the alleyway. I see that no one is paying attention, so I walk out onto the sidewalk in a way that doesn't bring any attention to myself. As if a random teen sneaking out of an alleyway is attention-worthy in Gotham. Regardless, there is no point in taking unnecessary risks.

I walk through Gotham to the Manor, keeping a low profile all of the way. Strangely enough, I don't get stopped along the way. It must be my lucky day.

Soon enough, I arrive back at the Manor. I quickly get inside and walk to Bruce's study. Bruce is doing paperwork at his desk, and looks up when I open the door.

He says to me, "I bet you are wondering what I have planned."

I laugh and when he kooks at me inquisitively, I tell him, "That sounds like the beginning of a villain monologue. So, what do you have in store for us this evening?"

"According to a fake Wayne Enterprises charity, we have to periodically have dinner with the families of Wayne Scholarship students. We will be eating at Artemis's home."

Oh all of the trolling possibilities make me want to jump for joy. This will be a fun evening. I'm pretty sure Bruce is scared of the smile slowly spreading across my face.


	3. Chapter 3

**Ugh, this chapter took _forever_ to write! I am just happy that it is over, and I get to finally write the wonderfulness of chapter four.**

 **Quick question: are there any Tims out there? (The Tims will know what I mean.)**

 **Thanks to _WhenUniversesCollide_ for beta reading this story.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own DC.**

* * *

 **Artemis' P.O.V.**

I can't believe that my mom called me home for supper!

Who the hell is coming over that could be so important anyway? And to make matters even worse, Robin was in the Zeta Beam Room when I was leaving. At least he didn't use the Zeta right after I did. No amount of convincing would be able to get me out of that mess.

When I finally arrive at my apartment, I can't help but breath a soft sigh of relief. I may be an arrow-shooting superhero, but I know the dangers of Gotham City. The sooner I get inside, the better.

As I walk in, I call out, "Hi, Mom, I'm home!"

"Ah, hello, my dear Artemis. You would not believe the luck that has fallen upon us!" My Mom beams as she pushes on the wheels of her chair.

"Speaking of which, who is coming over that is so important?" I raise an eyebrow. I was having fun at the Cave!

"Bruce Wayne is giving us a few thousand dollars toward your scholarship, and he is going to be giving us the money personally over dinner. Aren't you excited?" the beam on her face almost makes me feel guilty for being so wry.

Nevertheless, I sigh, saying in a sarcastic voice: "Yes, Mom, I am _so_ excited."

My mom frowns, snapping at me. "Artemis! this is a wonderful opportunity for us. You better be on your best behavior."

I sigh again after saying, "Yes, Mom, I will."

I spin on my heels to go to my room an get ready, because apparently, I am having supper with a celebrity.

Lucky me.

* * *

 **Dick's P.O.V.**

While we are in the car on our way to Artemis' apartment, Bruce starts explaining to me how he pulled this off.

"I was able to make some calls to make this look authentic. Like I said at the manor, we go to the homes of the Wayne Scholarship students for dinner. They provide the meal so that 'we can experience what our scholarship students' dinner would be,' and we give them a check that is worth a few thousand dollars in compensation."

My mouth is open in wonder. I quickly recompose myself to answer. "Wow, that's brilliant! Tonight is certainly going to be fun." I smirk, leaning back.

When we arrive shortly thereafter at our destination, I can't help but feel my heart squeeze and a frown to slide on my face. I am definitely not a stranger to how bad Gotham can be, but Artemis' apartment building looks worse than I had expected. I knew that she lived in the north end of the city, but for some reason, I thought that she lived in one of the better blocks of the neighborhood. I... guess I was wrong.

We walk up to the door, but when Bruce is about to press the buzzer when he stops short. He turns to me, leveling our eyes. "In case it wasn't clear, they are expecting us." He then presses the buzzer so that we can be let in.

Artemis' Mom answered the intercom with an obviously nervous but excited voice. _"Hello, this is Paula. Who is this?"_

Bruce replied, "It's us. We're here for dinner."

 _"Oh, yes, yes! Come in. We live in apartment 302."_ After she said that, we hear the sound of the door of the apartment building being unlocked, not that it would help much against the criminals of Gotham.

We walk up the four flights of stairs. There isn't even an elevator. Not that we were going to use an elevator anyways, but I still expected there to be one, especially since Artemis' mom is... unable to use stairs.

While we are still on them, I turn to Bruce. "We should really do something about their living situation."

He only hums in response. Can't he see what I am saying?

His non-agreement makes me snap at him, "I mean, she is our friend, right?"

"You know what I say about friends."

"Yeah, I know 'One fake friend can do more damage than ten enemies.' But I don't think that she _is_ a ' _fake_ _friend'_."

He puts a hand on my shoulder and says in a comforting voice, "You know that I am only trying to keep you safe, right?"

I slump my shoulders and sigh while looking downcast. "Yeah, I know."

We arrive at the door quickly, so Bruce knocks after letting his gaze linger on me for a moment.

Mrs. Crock opens the door, her eyes flashing as she smiles. "Hello, Mr. Wayne. Thank you for everything that you are doing for us."

Bruce replies, "It's my pleasure, Mrs. Crock."

"Please, Mr. Wayne call me Paula." the wheelchair-bound woman ushers us in with her dishrag, still as bashful as before.

"In that case, call me Bruce." he says as he complies, I following him.

"Well, Thank you, Bruce."

I grin. The pleasantries are finally over! I understand the need for manners, but there is trolling to be done. I mean, seriously: priorities, people!

As we enter the kitchen, Mrs. Crock turns to us and says, "I know that it isn't the best, but make yourselves at home. I am going to go get my daughter, Artemis."

I have been able to keep a straight face the entire time so far, which is quite the achievement I do say, but I couldn't help but smirk as Mrs. Crock leaves the room. Bruce and I sit in the two least worn sets at the table,* avoiding as best we can the torn upholstery mixed with stains.

He turns to me with a critical eye, "You've been quiet, and you have that look on your face that means trouble. Am I going to like what you are going to do?"

"Probably not." I answer nonchalantly, leaning back on the creaking old wood.

He looks me in the eye suspiciously. "Just make sure that you are careful not to… you know."

My smirk comes back as I say, "Yeah, I know."

I quickly wipe the smirk off of my face because Artemis and her mom enter the room, Artemis with her usual confident strut and Paula pleasantly pushing her wheelchair.

Because I want to be, I am the first person to speak. "Hello, Artemis, I hope Gotham Academy is treating you well enough." I dip my head politely, exuding what I like to call "Billionaire Suave" (taught every Tuesday at Two p.m. By Billionaire Entrepreneur Bruce Wayne himself).

I can tell that she is trying to restrain herself. It's quite comical, really. "The Academy has been treating me well."

Oh joy, this is amazing!

I barely manage to keep a straight face as I reply. "I am pleased to hear that is the case."

What? If I have to go through hours of Alfred giving me manners and politeness lessons, I am going to abuse- I mean _use-_ them to my advantage. Maybe I should start subtlety adding in a posh British accent just like the one Alfred has. Would that be too far? Naaaah.

I can tell that Bruce is suspicious of me by those glances that he keeps on sending. I mentally cackle loud enough that I'm sure M'gann can hear from all the way in Happy Harbor. He is right to be afraid. I'm just getting started.

"So Artemis, you look like you are physically robust. What kind of athleticism do you practice, if I may ask?"

"Oh, uh, I do some archery," Artemis says meekly, slipping onto a chair.

I make sure to over exaggerate my hand motions and drop my upper class dialect when I say, "Really! That's so cool! Who taught you?" Then, I quickly regain my upper class dialect and classiness to cool it down and make me look... I dunno, fake? I love messing with people. "I meant: That is intriguing. Who mastered you in the art form that is the bow and arrow?"

Bruce is giving me that look again, but that's fine because everyone's attention is now on how Artemis is going to reply to my question. I can see that Mrs. Crock is getting nervous because she knows, but she doesn't know that I know. Artemis is doing a better job at hiding her nervousness than her mother is, but I can still clearly see it in her shifted weight and tight eyebrows.

"Well, um, ah-"

 _Beep, beep, beep!_

Mrs Crock practically jumps in her seat as she starts to wheel towards the kitchen. "Oh good, the meatloaf is ready!"

Artemis nods. "Let me help you with that, Mother." she says before stiffly speed-walking out the room.

Now that they are distracted, Bruce leans over to whisper in my ear, "What do you think you're doing?"

I just turn towards him and smirk. I am having the time of my life! Why would I stop now?

Mrs. Crock comes back to the table while Artemis places the plates of food in front of everyone.

"This looks delicious," Bruce says with one of his charming smiles.

"Why thank you, Bruce." Mrs. Crock responds with her own smile.

Mm-hmm, the meatloaf is better than I thought it was going to be. Well, I better enjoy it while it is still hot.

* * *

 ***If the is a table with four seats but only two people usually sits at it, the two chairs that they use will noticeably have more wear than the other two chairs.**


End file.
